


I'll love you for a thousand more

by the__magpie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 20:32:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3542879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the__magpie/pseuds/the__magpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>set immediately after 10x14. Dean doesn't think he's worth saving, and Castiel is finally ready to tell the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll love you for a thousand more

**Author's Note:**

> So I meant to post this right after the episode aired, but I kept forgetting, and then yesterday I realized that the next episode is in less than a week. Oops.  
> This is set right after 10x14 ends. Title taken from "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri.

Castiel found Dean in his room, reorganizing his shelves even though they looked immaculate. When Castiel stepped through the doorway, Dean glanced at him over his shoulder before returning to his work.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Dean said.

“Where else would I be?” Castiel asked.

It may have been Castiel’s imagination, but he thought he saw Dean’s hands shaking as he stacked his magazines in a neat pile.

“It’s not safe for you to be around me,” Dean muttered. “It’s better if you just leave me alone.”

“Dean…” Castiel began.

“Cas, please.” Dean turned to face him, his eyes imploring. “I can’t worry about hurting you, too.”

Castiel didn’t move as Dean sat down on the edge of his bed, his back to Castiel, wiping the dust from one of the picture frames on his bedside table. His head was bowed over his work, his shoulders slumped, and he looked so tired and beaten down. Something inside Castiel, something human and raw, ached to see him like this. He wished he could hold Dean in his arms and somehow make all of this go away, but instead he spoke the only truth he was absolutely certain of.

“I love you.”

Dean didn’t make a sound, but he had stopped moving, the picture frame immobile in his hands.

“Dean,” Castiel said, unsure if Dean had heard what he said. “I—”

“Stop it. Don’t say that.” There was tension in Dean’s bowed shoulders now.

“But it’s true.”

“Don’t say it!”

“Why not?” Castiel said. “You need to know.”

“No, I don’t,” Dean mumbled. Castiel could see his knuckles, which were white from gripping the picture frame in his hands too tightly. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Slowly, Castiel moved so that he was in front of Dean, sitting on the edge of the bed facing him. He wished Dean would meet his eyes, but Dean was staring down at his hands. “What do you mean?” Castiel asked.

Dean swallowed hard, still not looking at him. “You’re an angel. You don’t even know what love is.”

“How could you say that?” Castiel whispered.

Dean’s eyes – red-rimmed, furious, blazing – flew up to meet Castiel’s gaze. He jumped to his feet. “You stupid son of a bitch!” he shouted, throwing the picture to the floor, where the glass shattered. “You’re human for a few months and you think you’ve got it all figured out? You have no soul, no heart! You’re not capable of loving anything, especially not something like me!”

The words hit Castiel like a slap. “Something like you?” he repeated in disbelief, standing up as well so that he was level with Dean. “You really think that?”

“I know that!”

“I fell for you!” Castiel exclaimed, anger bubbling up inside him. “I fought for you! I gave up Heaven and God and all the angels. For you! How could you possibly doubt that I love you with everything I am capable of?”

Dean was silent for a moment. He seemed to slump in on himself, his eyes dropping, his anger evaporating as quickly as it had come. “And that’s exactly why.”

“What?”

“Don’t you see? Everything that I’ve done to you? I’ve poisoned you, Cas. I’ve hurt you. If it weren’t for me, you could still be happy.”

“Dean…” Castiel reached out, but Dean stepped back quickly, anger flashing in his eyes again.

“No! I can’t do this to you again! I’m…not a good person, Cas. I’m wrong. This thing, inside me…” His hand closed over the Mark on his forearm. “It hasn’t changed me. It’s revealed me.”

“That’s not—”

“Just listen to me, Cas!” he shouted, and Castiel saw fear, desperation in his eyes. “I didn’t deserve any of those things! You rebelling, going against Heaven… You shouldn’t have done _any_ of that for me! You should’ve taken one look at me in hell and turned your back. I’m a bad person! Can’t you see that? Look at everything that I’ve done to you!”

“I did that of my own free will. I did that because—”

“Because you _love_ me?” Dean finished scathingly, as if the word itself was offensive to him. “Angels can’t love, Cas.”

Castiel set his jaw stubbornly. “And yet somehow, here I am.”

Dean shook his head, taking a slow, shaky breath. “I don’t deserve to be saved.”

Castiel stepped forward and gripped Dean’s shoulder. “Do you truly believe that?”

Dean looked back at him miserably. “I’m cursed. All I do is hurt people. You. Sam. Mom and Dad. Bobby.” He swallowed hard. “I’ve ruined you. Everything…it’s all my fault.”

“Look at me,” Castiel said firmly when Dean dropped his eyes. “I would do it all again. Do you hear me? I would not take back a single thing. If it meant saving you, I would do it a thousand more times. What more will it take for you to realize that I love you?”

“Don’t say that!”

“Dean—”

“Don’t you dare say that!” Dean shouted, backing away. “I can’t do that to you!”

“I don’t care!” Castiel shouted back. “I will say it again and again until you realize that it’s true, and then I will keep saying it. Dean Winchester, you deserve to be saved. I have chosen you time and time again and I will choose you every time in the future. You didn’t ruin me, Dean. You saved me. You showed me how to feel. You showed me happiness. I don’t care if you’re cursed. I don’t even care if we can never fix this. Because I will never give up on you. You are worth falling for.”

Dean’s eyes were red with unshed tears. “Cas…don’t,” he whispered.

Castiel stepped closer to him. “You think that whatever you do only brings me pain. But let me assure you that to give up on you would be far worse than anything I have done. Losing my wings, dying…nothing could be worse than losing you.”

Dean was shaking his head as tears ran down his cheeks. “I can’t…I can’t…”

Softer now, Castiel said, “When I first saw your soul in hell, it shone bright through the darkness. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Even among all that darkness, you were pure and strong and bright. And when I touched you…” He placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder again, in the same spot as the long-faded handprint had once been. Dean seemed to shiver slightly beneath his touch. “…I swore that I would protect you with everything that I could. I loved that broken, beaten man in hell, and I love the man in front of me now. There will never be a time when I will not love you.”

Dean closed his eyes for a moment. “This doesn’t change anything. I’m still a monster.”

“No,” Castiel said firmly. He gripped Dean’s face in his hands, forcing him to meet his eyes. “You are not a monster. You’re not broken. You are…” He searched Dean’s face, and even beneath the tired and hopeless exterior he could still see that soul shining as brightly as ever. He took a long, shaky breath. “You’re everything. You are worth everything.”

Something inside Dean seemed to give away for a moment, and he gave a tiny nod as his chin wobbled. Castiel brought his head forward to rest against Dean’s forehead, happy with knowing that, even if just for a moment, Dean let himself believe it.


End file.
